4. Why can I not think of a single word that isn’t a curse word?
About half-way through the second half of this match, I can vividly remember a moment in which I was trying to communicate to my three other defenders, and I genuinely could not make out a single word that was not a four-letter swear.
5. Note to self: tell my flatmate to never let me leave the flat again this winter.
No explanation needed. Hibernation is suddenly so appealing.
6. Halftime: Alright, lads, let’s move this chat to the changing room.
Maybe I can convince the team to move the rest of the match into the changing rooms. It will be cramped, and the keepers might have a tough time, but gosh, will it be warm or what.
7. Second half begins. This is worse than ever. I am warm with wet clothes on and they expect me to go outside again to face the wind in my damp wet clothes.
At this point, I have decided that we are half way through the match and positive thoughts are the only thing to get me through to the end. With my new positivity energy, I can vaguely feel a desire to smile.
8. I think I am just going to run around loads to warm up, and hopefully the team will just think I am really keen defender.
Here is why I choose whether I sympathise more with my personal lung capacity or my dire body temperatures. Considering that I can no longer feel my toes (and I am unsure if feeling will ever return), I am going to have to rely heavily on my rather weak lungs. However, my team will thank me and I’ll be a hero.
9. Goal is scored and the human pile is a little gross but warm.
Not typically a fan of physical affection, but this human-pile up really is toasty.
10. Note to self: Move to a hotter country ASAP.
This thought accompanies another mental note to self, which is that upon moving to a warmer climate I must continue to play football because today was fun and football is fun. Being back on the ball today has reminded me of the value of football and how sport can bring us together. #WholesomeContent
--
I have realised that after publishing this no football club will ever welcome my membership ever again. I would like to make it clear that I did survive the entirety of this match, and I even managed to smile at the end.